A Perfect Love Anyway

​Fight the good fight of faith. Take hold of the life that lasts forever. You were chosen to receive it. You have spoken well about this life in front of many people.
1 Timothy 6:12
 
It is week four of being home. The wings on this goose have been clipped.
 
This was the week I was going to be in Haiti.

• Riding in the back of trucks and on motos
• Picking up my red suitcase again
• Sleeping under a mosquito net and fan
• Singing on a roof top with my Haiti mamas
• Speaking French with really cute kids
• Being another version of myself

 
I am not frustrated or upset that the trip was postponed. I definitely didn’t want to be the one to take a virus into the school in Haiti. I absolutely wanted to be here with my family. Here is where I say- I adore my family more than travel although they may not believe it. I’m simply more about take out and tough love rather “Honey, what can I fix you for dinner?”  
 
Haiti has become a special place to me where all the craziness and hectic in my life falls into the craziness and hectic life of this small country. Schedules, deadlines, and routines are replaced with worship, hot Caribbean sun, and unexpected blessings as I am able to walk in His light with His beautiful Haitian children.
 
The grand irony of all of this is that I am now officially a different version of myself. Right in my own home. Because of a pandemic, I get to rediscover my home as a place where the craziness and hectic routines have come to a screeching halt.
 
I’m just not very good at being at home. I usually run from this to-do list. Fast.

• Cooking
• Cleaning
• Doing laundry
• Working in the yard
• Sewing
• Zooming and teaching from a computer

 
All of these things that I generally turn from have been put before me. I struggle, but it’s not because I’m lazy. I am simply not very good at it, and I do not like to disappoint the ones I love.
 
I tell my students that in order to truly serve or help another person, you must understand not only what a person needs but also how you can best meet that need. You just can’t do it the way you want. The “how” is sometimes more important than the “what.”
 
I have always desired a life on the mission field, but a mission field is a large place filled with countless opportunities to spread God’s love. I teach French and Spanish, and I love it. Katy Davis wrote, “I am only doing what I love doing and what God who gave His life for me asks me to do.”
 
At this point, He is commanding that I stay home. Was I ready? Can I say that I am now willing to be a drop in the bucket, hopelessly insignificant to the world? Or should I insist that I should choose the scenery of my sacrifice? Will I let God direct all my paths and choose all my work? At home. What will it cost? It will cost everything that is not of God.
 
It’s one thing to say I never want to miss being in His will when I’m boarding an airplane and calling on Holy Spirit to protect my journey. I do not want an attitude of giving Him ½ when He gave all. I want to do what I was created to do- even if I am still trying to figure that out. Even when it’s not how I imagined it. At home.
 
I still mess it up from time to time. Ok – all the time. It is incredibly hard for me. If I pause for affirmation from the outside world, that ugly voice of lies in my head will start to speak of fear. I become frozen with fear of ruining my relationships, fear of letting my family or coworkers down, or fear of saying the wrong thing. My ugly bitter side shows itself and I’m back where I started, negotiating with the One who patiently walks with me.
 
He reminds me that He is the author and perfecter of my faith. He equips me. Where He leads me, He will provide. I must stay fearless in my obedience. At home.
 
As my Jesus Calling devotion this morning put it: I can practice His presence or practice the presence of problems.
 
How do I serve Christ today? From home? On a computer? In the kitchen? Jesus knows what I can do when I turn all of my inabilities over to Him. Nothing satisfies my soul like doing what He asks of me.
 
Ron Hall’s beautiful book entitled What Difference Do It Make explains a few things about serving Christ.
Jesus sent the disciples out- John, Mark, and Nathanial- and them went straight into the villages. And needy people don’t need no perfect people neither. When Jesus sent His disciples out, He sent Peter right along, knowin that Peter had a bad temper and a potty mouth. He sent James and John even though they were full of pride and fighten over the best seat at the table. He even sent Judas. Even though Jesus know’d all of their sin and weakness, He sent ‘em anyway.
 
Jesus knows my sin and weaknesses.
Jesus knows my jealousy and insecurities.
Jesus knows my pride and my bad temper and my potty mouth.
 
And He loves me with a perfect love anyway.
 
On this Easter Sunday,
I pray that God prepares your heart today for something greater than you could ever imagine for yourself. At home.
I pray that whatever burdens your heart, that you will choose the grace that He offers. At home.
I pray that our Lord meets us with hope in this mess we find ourselves struggling against. At home.
I pray that He will open our eyes and our hearts to fully receive it as we find JOY At home.
Amen.

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