In the Deep End

**southern waters off the coast of Haiti, 2017

Some might say I like to stay busy. I’ve been in over my head a few times before and caught in deep water. That’s nothing new for me. I love a good plan. I love a good challenge. When I get to layer a few plans and a few challenges on top of each other, I am right in my zone. I relish my time in this happy soul place because I believe I’m right where God wants me to be.

Just ask Bob, my dad, or a few of my friends who see past “busy” to know just how far I’ve let myself float from shore. I might choose a mission trip, a language program, a symposium, or a wedding, but it is usually all at the same time. It’s my undeniable addiction of swimming in the deep end. I believe it’s where God gets my attention the best.

Let me put it this way.
​Have you read about water in Ezekiel 47?

3 As the man went eastward with a measuring line in his hand, he measured off a thousand cubits[a] and then led me through water that was ankle-deep. 4 He measured off another thousand cubits and led me through water that was knee-deep. He measured off another thousand and led me through water that was up to the waist. 5 He measured off another thousand, but now it was a river that I could not cross, because the water had risen and was deep enough to swim in—a river that no one could cross. 6 He asked me, “Son of man, do you see this?”

This is a picture we can have in our minds about the life-giving nature of water-the gospel. Water means life and blessings from God. God’s grace can transform us, no matter how useless, overwhelmed, or frustrated we may be.

We just have to get in the water.

From time to time, I try to swim in this water without prayer. I lean into my understanding of how things should go. I miss church. I skip church. I forget a day or two of devotion. I walk away from conversations with people I know might give me the perspective I need. I want to do it on my own.

None of my plans work without Him.

For much of 2020, I have had this mental image of myself standing on a large rock in the water, standing on His promises that no matter how high the water might get, I have a firm foundation of His grace.

Next, I found myself swimming out from this rock over and over trying to fix things, trying to understand what was expected of me, and trying to help others. Kicking or dog paddling and a few times flailing in waves, I make it back to the rock. His grace brings me back.

Last week, I realized I had had enough. I just stood on this metaphorical rock and waited as water got higher and higher, and I did not have the endurance to swim out any more. My head was just above water. I was scared my choices had created all this chaos-that maybe none of these things were His will.

I thought I was screwing it all up.
I stood still. Water up to my chin, I was caught looking up- like I had wanted.

What would God have me do? Do I choose a safe zone or a faith zone? I opened my mouth to ask my family for patience, my co-workers for understanding, and my friends for a glass of wine. I just did not realize I needed to ask for His help because I felt confident on His unmoving rock. I wasn’t afraid of drowning.

I was certainly confused about how to proceed, how to get back to the shallow end- the safe end where life is easier- as soon as possible. No rescue boats, no buoys, and not one solitary floatie passed my way.

Just me and God.
Just how He likes it. If I can no longer swim on my own, what would He have me use?

Scuba gear.

It was time to stop swimming the way I thought might work best. When you put a regulator in your mouth to breath, it means you are unable to talk. It immediately regulates the amount of damage I can do talking, fussing, complaining, or yelling. Yes, I can yell.

I can swim boldly with a mask to see clearly, with fins to move faster, and on a full tank of His air so that I can give thanks for each changing moment God takes to shape me into his servant- again.

This scuba gear and a fresh vision God’s renewing grace and power are just what I didn’t know I needed.

When the water is high, I can put on the scuba gear He provides until the craziness of life subsides. I swim, I breathe, I help, I do what He asks of me, and I return to Him in prayer each time. I am grateful when I look around and see others swimming with me. I'm not alone.

Actually, I love the deep end of whatever ocean I find myself in because I know He is there, too.
This water is His gospel filled with grace that is greater than any of my faults.
I just have to stay in the water.

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