Love Somebody

I was unbelievably naive when Anna Elise was born in 1996. I even decided to wait to until the birth to know if this baby was a boy or girl. I wanted a surprise and I got it.
 
Truth is that I didn’t know what to think that first moment I saw her. I was not prepared.
 
No fear. Just a pure tornado of feelings as I tried to reconcile the baby from my stomach with this wild child in my arms.
 
Suddenly on my chest with her big brown eyes wide open, she was doing her thing- hollering, complaining, fussing, and commanding immediate attention. I simply whispered oh my baby and her eyes locked with mine. At the instant sound of my voice, she stopped screaming. As I wrapped my hands around her, she found comfort. She found home.
 
This was not simply a sweet, tender moment. It was an immense surge of grace and chaos. This powerful force of emotion took me from girl to woman. From daughter to mother. It wasn’t marriage or pregnancy that changed me.
 
It was holding Anna Elise for the first time.
 
I recently found this beautiful passage written by Mariama Bâ in So Long a Letter. Here are her words about being a mother.
 
“And also, one is a mother in order to understand the inexplicable. One is a mother to lighten the darkness. One is a mother to shield when lightning streaks the night, when thunder shakes the earth, when mud bogs one down. One is a mother in order to love without beginning or end. To make my being a defensive barrier between my daughter and any obstacle... One is a mother so as to face the flood.”
 
This facing the flood means taking the high road. I despised the high road for a long time until I simply accepted it. God has placed me there- through adversity, divorce, and the reshaping of lives. Choosing to stay on the high road means choosing faith. It is never the easiest, but it is certainly the wisest. I stray from this path a time or two, and then realize I need to seriously pray to stumble my way back on it.
 
Facing the flood from a high road means I survive it. Whatever the flood may look like.
In fact,  
I sang to Elise from the high road.
I prayed for her from the high road.
I watched over her from the high road.
 
And I laugh over a few of her more memorable exploits.
 
Like the time she stabbed herself in her stomach opening a present on Christmas morning. A clean stab- about two inches in and out without too much blood. Thank heavens for Bob.

Like the time she shaved an eyebrow and tried to convince me it was an accident. Mama I dropped the razor and then it hit the side of the tub and then it bounced all the way up and cut my eyebrow off. Mama, I could have been hurt! Why don’t you believe me?
 
Like the time she conducted the science experiment with Quinn by putting a paper clip in the electric socket in her bathroom. Enough said.
 
Like the time she sealed up a lock on a school locker with a glue gun and was later identified on camera by her great big cheer hair bow.
 
Anna Elise has never been just mine. I’ve always shared her with the world, nurturing friendships and important relationships that have shaped her life. While I cannot and will not take credit for all of it (even though I’m tempted to), I am so proud of the woman she is becoming.
 
Anna Elise loves with the full impact of all that has shaped her. You will still find her hollering, complaining, fussing, and commanding immediate attention.
 
So now, we now pray for Matt.
 
Yes, she has Matt now and her home is with him. Anna Elise doesn’t require my particular brand of motherly advice anymore but she still wants it from time to time.
 
As Mariama Bâ also wrote, “A new family was being born before my very eyes. I accepted my subordinate role. The ripe fruit must drop away from the tree.” Now I get the pleasure of respecting their new life together and the decisions they must make for each other and with each other.
 
If I’m going to be an honest goose, I must also admit how much Elise and I fuss. I hate fussing with her. Hate it. Elise hates it too. Ella says that neither one of knows when to shut up- that we both take it too far.
 
That’s what I do as a mom. I take it at as far as I think I need to take it- to understand, to lighten, to shield from storms, to be the protective barrier between her and obstacles- all the while loving her without beginning or end. 
 
I am Elise’s undeniable mirror. Her voice of reason. The one who saps the fun out the bad.
And oh, God knows how very much I love my girl.
 
Love Somebody- Yes, I do.
Love Somebody- Can’t say who.
Love somebody - Can you guess?
Elise is the one I love with all my best.

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